A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit. "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index.
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Generally, he was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies: "Forget it man, you don`t stand a snowball`s chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
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